it's the little things (that remind me of you)
by keepingitprecious
Summary: CS Army AU. "It was the loneliness that hurt the most, but she was still getting used to it. She had to."


**it's the little things (that remind me of you)**

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 _This piece is particularly close to my heart, and so I dedicate this to my own soldier who is coming home in two weeks after nearly 4 months apart today. I love you dearly._

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 _Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. This is purely for entertainment purposes and no profit or funding is being supplied to the author._

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Emma had grown used to it. That was her go-to response whenever someone asked about it: "I'm used to it, it doesn't get to me anymore, it's normal for me."

She had learnt very early on how to deal with the distance, she had no choice. It didn't bother her anymore when she didn't hear from him every day, for that was how it was. She had learned to treasure any and every text message she had from him, especially those that came from the middle of the day when he was supposed to be working. She clung to the phone whenever he had a spare five minutes to call no matter the time, because five minutes was all they were ever allowed. She had a neat stack of hand written letters addressed from him in her bedside drawer, his usual elegant hand was rushed and almost unintelligible so as to finish it in time to send to her.

But she had not quite gotten used to the loneliness. It crept up on her in the middle of the night, and had her grasping at an empty side of the bed. It enveloped her when she was out with her friends, especially those who were also in love. She was still wiping away stray tears at the sight of lovers holding hands in the street or wrapped in each other's arms on the train home.

It was the loneliness that hurt the most, but she was still getting used to it. She had to.

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Emma sighed heavily as she stumbled through her apartment door, bumping it closed with her overloaded grocery bags. She cursed herself for not leaving the heater on when she left for work that morning, already feeling the chill from outside seeping into her bones.

She heaved her groceries onto the kitchen bench and unceremoniously dumped them there, leaving them to be unpacked later after her usual hot chocolate and a warm bath. Her behemoth of a ginger cat, Oliver mewed loudly at her from his place on the window sill. She kicked her boots off by the counter and padded her way into the kitchen, picking up her favourite mug from its place beside the hot chocolate mix. Emma's eyes strayed to where Killian's was, untouched for four months now. She sighed sadly and gently held it in her hands, her fingers tracing over the picture of an anchor on the side. He had insisted on buying it when they visited her family in Storybrooke last Christmas, and Emma faintly recalled how the snow had brought out the blue of his eyes.

Oliver mewed from his place on the floor by her legs, rubbing his body against her calves. Shaking her head slightly, the blonde put the ceramic cup back in its rightful spot. She reminded herself that he'd be home before she knew it. After she changed into her comfiest pair of sweatpants and topped her hot chocolate with the last of the whipped cream and sprinkling of cinnamon, Emma set aside some time to sort through her mail before she left it for too long. She rifled through the various envelopes she had left on the dining table that morning, expecting nothing but the normal bills. Emma flicked through them quickly, tossing the junk mail into the trash. Her hands and her heart stilled when she came across the last one.

She knew that handwriting anywhere. Her hands traced the crinkled paper around the words 'Emma Swan'.

Emma tore open the letter clumsily, thinner than normal and already felt tears brimming before her eyes feel on the first word. It was from him.

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' _15/05/2015_

' _My love, my Emma,_

' _I never knew true joy until the moment your letter arrived today. I must have read it half a dozen times by this point and I have no doubts that I will fall asleep tonight trying to memorise every word._

' _The days feel as if they're getting longer the more I am away from home and you. Each morning I remind myself that it's one day closer to returning to Boston and our life together. It's the memory of every second that we spent together that gets me through my time here. Each night, I dream of walking through the door of our apartment and seeing your beautiful smile, and I know nothing will make me happier than when that dream becomes reality._

' _The training is getting more intense as time goes by. My CO is really putting the pressure of the other guys in my platoon and it's really getting to some of them. It seems that already 5 of the other privates are ready to leave and never turn back. But it's your faith that makes me stronger, and I can't thank you enough for believing in me. I swear to you that all this will be worth it in the end, love._

' _I'm sorry to say that I won't be able to write for at least a month as we are going to be doing field exercises for two weeks, but you will be in my mind while I'm out field._

' _I'm afraid I don't have much time to write more like usual, I have to use the little spare time I have to write this letter, but I hope this is enough._

 _I will wait to hear from you soon. This distance is temporary, but love is forever. I can't wait to see you again._

 _I love you._

' _Yours, Killian.'_

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Emma fell onto her couch and desperately clung to the letter, trying not to crush it against her chest. The tears fell freely down her cheeks and onto the fabric of her slacks. Emma had been concerned when she hadn't heard from him in over a week, but the relief she felt that flowed throughout her body was overwhelming. She held the letter out and reread it over and over again, imagining him writing it in the apparent little time he had between his training. Her fingertips reached out and felt all the bumps and little tears in the paper, the idea that he had held this as she did now filled her with such love.

She looked past the letter and caught sight of the photo of the two of them on the coffee table. They had their arms around each other and while Emma was smiling directly at the camera, Killian was gazing only at her. It was that night that he told her how he wanted no-one else and promised that, if she wanted it, he would only want her. She smiled at his profile in the picture. As much as she hated the distance, he was worth every second apart.

She rose from the couch and walked into the bedroom, immediately going to her bedside table. She pulled the bottom drawer out and delicately placed his newest letter on top of the neat pile inside. She slid the wood closed and sat on the bed beside it.

No matter how long he was gone, she would always be there for him. There was no doubt in Emma's mind that she was in it for the long haul. Oliver jumped onto the bed beside her and purred loudly, curling up in her lap.

"I know." She murmured, stroking his orange fur soothingly. "But he'll be home soon. I know it."

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 _This was just a little thing to let you guys know that I am constantly writing and I am alive, but am so badly suffering from writer's block at the moment. If you're reading_ Le Cygne et la Princesse _at the moment, the next chapter should be up shortly so please bear with me!_

 _But please let me know what you guys thought! :)_


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